you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
