I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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