i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We need to get me chipped asap
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize