she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
