Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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