Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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