Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
