i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
