Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
