My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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