I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
