i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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