somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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