all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
