if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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