My sheets look like a crime scene.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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