got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
