do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
3pm strippers are depressing
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
