I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
