I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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