She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
