I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
