I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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