Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
