i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
