That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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