WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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