You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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