Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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