there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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