she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
