you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
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