I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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