searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
