the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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