I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
