Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
