I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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