I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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