I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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