My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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