omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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