He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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