I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
