i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
