she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
