You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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