Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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