my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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