My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
