My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
