his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
