I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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