you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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