her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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