he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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